28/08/2013 00:00
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G OOD day my lobster like compatriots. Could it get any hotter on this blessed rock? Me thinks not! What's that they say about mad dogs and Englishmen? I can't fathom what people did before AC. No wonder why northern countries tend to be more productive than southern ones.

Working, even thinking in this climate is near on impossible. It's been so hot in fact, our little slice of paradise has been engulfed by more than seventy wild fires so far this season. I personally witnessed one or more every day this week!!! If it wasn't for that magical H2O we'd be toast.

Last week I told you we would be playing with jets. A man of my word, I advise you to HOLD ON! After making it out of Palma aquarium's shark tank last week, this jet boat thingy should be a doddle. I figure what the hell, I'm always preaching about the benefits of slow sailing, why not go for zoooooom.

As kids my best friend Fernando and I would terrorize the coast at brake neck speed aboard my RIB. For all accounts we should be dead.
Chasing down tankers, going out in storms, you know, the fun stuff. These jet thingies can be all that, not for us pirates?
With us today we had a Russian couple I desperately wanted to scare senseless. Maybe it was the guy's incessant hair fondling or the girl's exaggerated facial expressions at meal times that got me. I could just be a mean person. Whatever it was, I just wanted to put the fear of God in em.

First thing I noticed (or didn't) peering into the sharp metal speed boat were the helmets and harnesses. “You see,” I told my wife “these things can't go that fast. If they did, surly they'd hand out battle gear not just life jackets.” Something inside me didn't believe this for a second. Captain Lawrence had done his homework; this contraption wasn't called the “QUAKE JET” for nothing. “Juan, stick us in the part that has the most action.” “No problem, you, guys, sit at the stern, I have something special planned for you.” Something special? I didn't like the sound of that. We clambered aboard and took our seats. “Hello, everybody, my name is Juan Leon Padilla, I will be your Captain today. The boat you're sitting in is a jet boat able to go from zero to one hundred in 30 meters. This is due to its light weight aluminum construction and 400 horse power jet engine.” That got their attention. “When I twirl my hand in the air, we will engage in high speed 360 degree spins. Please hold on to the metal bar in front of you at all time. We don't want you flying over board” Now he has my attention! Wish I hadn't eaten fried skate wing for lunch. BROOOOOM! on goes the engine. This thing is going to fly like a bat out of hell. “Everybody ready?” “YES.” “OK, hold on.” “ Wait, are you sure this is a good ideAAAHHHHHHHHH! And with that, we were slammed back in our seats and blasted out of the port. Holy $%&T! I don't think my Russian victims opened their eyes once. My wife on the other hand loved it. “HOLD ON!” he just did that twirly thing with his hand, “he's going to do a spin.” “There is no way, that's insane, we can't spin at this speed! “AHHHHH...laugh....HHHHHH, THIS IS COOL!” says my wife with a demonic grin. Who the hell did I marry?

I have never experienced anything even close to this high speed action on the water. It's like sitting on a “anything goes” water rocket on crack. Just to give you an idea of how fast this beast goes, my eye lids were flapping. The www.quakejet.com experience departs from three separate locations on Majorca's east coast. QuakeJet 1 is stationed at the port of Alcudia, whereas QuakeJet 2 is based at Cala Ratjada harbor, moving to Cala Agulla beach at noon each day. The boats each do seven adrenaline-filled rides per day, using one of two possible routes – North or South – depending on conditions. If conditions allow, and they did for us, you may be lucky enough to be taken through some of the huge caves around the coast.

If you're looking for the white knuckle ride of your life, www.quakejet.com delivers. I highly recommend these guys. Bring a change of clothing, you will get soaked! On a serious note. You may get the feeling you're going to perish at any second but truth is these jet boats are very safe.Quake boat skippers are very experienced captains. For all you tree huggers out there, jet engines have no propellers, hence don't chop up the fishes like other boats do. Shake it up a bit go have some fun! Next week your going to get thalassoed.