Beach in Majorca.

Beach in Majorca.

Frank LeaversPalma03/06/2020 00:49
TW
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Since arriving belatedly from the UK almost a month ago, I can assure you that I have not been at all underemployed in completing long standing chores at our gaff. At one time I was known within my family and close circle of friends as ‘In The Spring Leavers’ - as this was my retort to any suggestion that I might want to either paint, fix, or dig something at any given time. Alas, and much to my surprise, I’ve actually enjoyed completing household chores that have been stacking up and awaiting me for quite a few years now. Indeed, I find myself actively seeking out jobs to do at ‘ours’ something that has never happened in the past and a certain woman I know - apparently can’t believe that I have become so enthusiastically ‘handy’ these past few weeks. Could it be my age? Maybe the onset of terminal boredom has something to do with it - I like to think that as have more time on my hands at the moment I am quite content to do stuff in and outside the house. Each morning after a strong cup of coffee or two - I stride out into our garden and survey what needs to be done. As a dedicated writer of lists, nothing escapes my beady-eye and I like to engage her in my list making - but, alas she flatly refuses to do so and just randomly chooses tasks to be undertaken willy-nilly, just to annoy me. For the record, I reckon that I’m not the only unlikely person do be undertaking household projects, because on Monday I visited a well known DIY centre on the outskirts of Palma and it was very busy indeed, not the sort of crowds you would anticipate at the beginning of the week at all. So, it appears that I am not the only person on the island seeking to get (and keep) his place up-together. I wonder how long this enthusiasm for all things ‘handy’ will actually last - or has it already become decidedly passe and will not last too much longer?

HAVE YOU GOT ANY CHANGE?

Have you ever wondered why those folk who work strictly on a cash only basis never seem to have any money about their person when it come to sorting out any change? Yes, some hope! Usually, I like to know quite clearly how much I need to pay for any service provided so that I have enough dosh on me when I ‘square-up’ what I owe a person. I know this isn’t always possible all of the time, but I have to say that this giving of change business hardly ever appears possible. I usually try to ask - How much is your call-out-fee? But often this varies, which is alright, but why the mystery? Spain in particular, still has much more of a cash based economy than most others, so the offer of a cash-card brings with it many horrors, real or imagined for any service provider it seems - I wonder why? I understand this, honestly I do; but if you deal in cash exclusively - do me and many others a favour will you - and have change readily available. It’s only fair I reckon, don’t you?

PUT YOUR BATHERS ON PLEASE!

Late on Saturday afternoon after bending my back completing all my DIY chores at home - re the opening paragraph! We decided upon a stroll along the seafront at Sant Elmo at the extreme south west tip on this island. I love this place. It is bit like a family secret, rarely crowded - always welcoming and very local if you see what I mean? However, as we wandered around, two things struck me. One was the fact that the beaches were, if not mucky - then unkempt in the extreme, rather like other Andratx municipal beaches - as reported in the MDB last week. Secondly, I don’t know if I’m getting a little censorious in my old age - but, there was an awful lot (and I mean a lot!) of naked flesh on show, much of it frankly unwarranted. Now then, I know that there is a certain truism that insists that ‘nudist’ beaches are only ever occupied by people that you never really want to see naked, but I was very surprised at what was on show - and quite frankly, I didn’t know where to look. I know that it has been a long and strictly observed lockdown here in Majorca - but for pities sake ladies and gentlemen - unless you are blessed with a sylph-like figure that doesn’t move about independently, please consider others when you get your kit-off will you? Thank you so much! Indeed, if there was ever conclusive evidence that during this lockdown a person could turn into either a ‘chunk, hunk or drunk’ these past weeks, the first condition was there for all to see in abundance.

A CASHPOINT CRISIS

Are you a trusting person? Whatever you may think, I bet you’re not. Take me the other day, I was standing behind a chap at a cash machine locally when he kept sighing and pressing more buttons, and then he would turn around to see if I were still there, and I would do what we all do on these occasions, and pretend to be fascinated by the contents my wallet - so as to prove I was not trying to spy his PIN. Eventually, I hear some random beeps, but instead of taking out any money, he say’s “It’s broken mate.” This was a bit tricky - poor devil has probably been refused cash I reckoned - so I allowed him to walk away, dignity intact, and then punched in my PIN number. By this time, I felt the presence of a woman behind me, whereupon I turned and smiled at her and she did as I had just done, and everyone in the world does, and averted her eyes as I tried to encourage the machine to give me some money. But no, lots of funny noises ensued but no dosh. With this, I helpfully said to her with a shrug and in my best Spanglish as an explanation - It’s broken - or run-out of money! With this I walk up the road and hid around the corner. Do you know, that woman, even after I told her that the cash machine was bust still continued to try to extract money from the machine. Isn't it a shame that not everybody is as trusting as me?

frankleavers@hotmail.com