I have owned a mobile phone since they were the size of a house-brick in the early 1980’s

I have owned a mobile phone since they were the size of a house-brick in the early 1980’s. | EFE

Frank LeaversPalma31/07/2023 10:03
TW
0

Today, I have decided to share with you a couple of issues that have vexed me over the past year or so. You may of course think that my mildly maintained moans are nothing particularly new… coming from me, but - occasionally I do have to get them off my chest. Firstly, I’d like to be able to tell you that I have over the years gathered around me a fan club based upon the popularity of my writings in the Bulletin (in all its forms) - but, that would be a lie. What I have attracted are not women panting at my door, but a certain type of middle-aged chap who is obsessed by English grammar. Although I have always been a pretty good speller; with the invention of the computer ’spell-check’ system I’m usually blameless in terms of spelling unless I succumb to the evils of linguistic Americanisms.

This being said, I get regular lectures on my use of commas, semi-colons, apostrophes and my apparent “Wilful overuse of exclamation marks”!!!! One reader even went as far as saying that I needed “shooting.” Without being unkind, who on earth would make a hobby out of checking my grammar when there are women to be made love to - bathrooms to be grouted and elderly games of tennis to enjoy? I suppose this must be a distraction of sorts, a comfort blanket for lost obsessives who always march to the beat of another drum. Thinking about it though, perhaps an over-reaction to mild criticism is a sure-fire sign that a person is turning into a miserable old git, don’t you think? And another thing; have you noticed that most men would rather wear rather fetching all-pink clothing in the manner of Ken (as in Barbie fame!) than actually read a set of instructions?

For instance, although I do work on a laptop-computer most days of the week and have owned a mobile phone since they were the size of a house-brick in the early 1980’s - I am ashamed to admit that I have never once even glanced at the booklet that explains in some detail all the exciting things you can do with any sort of modern kit and equipment. When I mention to friends that I am not quite as switched-on to this sort of stuff as they might think, generally they like to patronise me by showing how to ‘do’ some of the trickier elements of modern technology.

Indeed, I am truly grateful, but - although I know I am being pathetic, what makes it worse is when they show me how to do something in a very slow and patronising voice as if I were a complete moron. Then we have all that terrible business regarding Apps and whatnot! In this modern world that is Great Britain, it appears that cash money is of no use to anyone. Everything is expected to be paid for by flashing a bank card or App (Nope…sorry no idea). Does the same sort of thing happening in Mallorca I wonder? Whereupon I often stand beside really old people who don’t have a clue how to pay - for instance, a parking ticket, and they ask me how it’s done and I pretend to know… until Julie arrives and shakes her head in that way she has - and I nod sagely as if I knew what to do all the time. Pathetic isn’t it?