PEOPLE WATCHING

Some reports say that frantic lady shoppers bit, scratched and pulled out clumps of each others hair in an effort to squeeze size 14 arses into size 8 jeans, “If you say again that I'm a big size 12 Doreen I'll smash your face in”. Distressingly that's not the worst of it, most seriously some of our fattest, baldest, nastiest and drunkest football supporters have complained at their treatment by “jonnie foreigner” policemen. The poor sensitive chaps got a bit of a slap when all they wanted to do as usual was get legless in Rome, Seville or wherever the fickle finger of foreign football fixture fate finds them (I love alliteration!).

They have always taken the view that abusing the local population, taking off their shirts and urinating in the street has been their inalienable right since the signing of the Magna Carta and Jimmy Hill was on Match of the Day. I know it's hard to believe, but do you know those baton wielding coppers might just have taken exception to our fine boys brutalising their beautiful cities once again.

What do you think of this carry–on with those British sailors held captive in Iran and set free to great fanfare and then national embarrassment? Was it a triumph for quiet Blairite diplomacy or a humiliation for Britain? No doubt we all have are own strong views and opinions about the incident, however because I am an inveterate people watcher a number of things struck me about this whole unlikely episode, I wonder if you agree. Once the Iranian government suddenly announced that it was to release the fifteen naval personnel, it was as if the Ayatollahs have been watching British reality TV, because they lined up the servicemen and woman as if they were taking part in a grotesque version of I'm A Sailor Get Me Out Here. And those suits! The Iranians know how to kick a man when he'd down don't they. We all now know where tailors John Collier went when they left British town centres some twenty years ago. “John Collier, John Collier – the window to watch...., you remember don't you? Do please keep up.

So far so bad then, I'm not advocating military torture or ill–treatment, but in a way I bet some of those mateloes wouldn't have minded the odd Chinese burn and pulled sideburns rather than the goody bag of gifts and tuck that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad presented to them on their release. Somehow this reminded me of the Monty Python sketch about the Spanish Inquisition and the comfy cushions! The poor buggers were made to thank the grinning President for his hospitality and bag–full of curly wurly's rather like a six year old would have to thank the kindly host of a birthday party “for having me”. All toe–curling stuff but what would you have done in the same position, perhaps you would have told the President to stick his presents where the sun don't shine, sounds like a good idea after a few beers to impress your mates down the pub, but honestly I doubt it somehow, don't you?

The debate is still raging, the newspapers are full of it, some of them practically foaming at the mouth with indignation, a competent Secretary of State for Defence has his job on the line, but it's the little human details that stick in my mind. Leading Seaman Faye Turney certainly has some chutzpah appearing on telly with Sir Trevor Mc Donald and getting paid a small fortune. Unsurprisingly this has not gone down well with her colleagues in the senior service, but this is not my abiding memory of her. That would be the fact that during her captivity she seemed to have a cigarette on the go constantly, every time a camera moved in her direction there she was with a tab in her mouth, in the end it reminded me of Kathy Burke of Waynetta Slob fame, protesting whenever she was asked to do anything “I'm smoking a faaaag”. At the last cynical and manipulated photo call in Tehran the thoughts that flashed across my mind were how young they all seemed. I know, I know, it's not them it's me as I hurtle toward sucking my food and constantly repeating myself in some twilight home for DJ's that nobody has ever heard of. Frankly the poor devils looked like guests at a celebrity gay wedding in ill–fitting and less than fashionable suits trying to enjoy the moment but perhaps a little concerned about what's going to happen next. What would you have done in the circumstances? Answers on a postcard.....

AS I've been obsessing somewhat about unsuitable clothing in the Middle East perhaps I can pose a couple of sartorial questions. Why is it that all the Iranian political elite wear the same grey suits, yet nobody ever wears a tie, is it a style thing, perhaps it's that John Collier, John Collier the window to – don't have a very good range of ties in their Tehran store.

Have you noticed that when you see pictures of the Israeli cabinet meeting in the Knesset nobody bothers to wear a jacket, it really is appalling, the politicians all lounge about in short sleeve shirts and chinos looking like they are about to hold a Bar B Q. I'm sure Gordon Brown wouldn't put up with this sort of slack nonsense, if he called a meeting of his cronies around to his Dacha I suspect it would be battle–dress, forage cap and a friendly Uncle Joe Stalin grip to the throat. As part of this exercise of people watching the following information fits in with a “too much information” category but fascinating all the same.

Have you noticed that Tony is always smoothing down his jacket with the palms of his hands and uses a chopping motion with his hands to gesticulate; serial killers do that as well apparently. Finally poor President Bush has an awkward gait and looks like he's using someone else's arms; it is said they could be Vice President Dick Cheney's if he's lucky, Bill Clinton's if he isn't.

Frank Leavers Presents The English Hour on Radio Calvia 107.4fm Monday to Friday 8–9pm frankleaversUhotmail.com.